What are the things that make dating harder as we get older, and what are the things that maybe make it easier?
In terms of what makes dating easier, I think people know themselves better than they do in their 20s. They have an easier time identifying what they want, and asking for it. There’s also less pressure around getting married. There’s no fertility timeline. Another thing is, there’s actually research from Match Group that shows people in their 60s are often experiencing better sex, because they know their bodies more, they know how to ask for what they want and they’re less likely to fake orgasms.
One thing that’s harder is you have more baggage. You just have a more complete life, you’ve set up your life the way you want — whether it’s how your fridge is set up or what time you set your alarm clock for . . . Then, when you meet someone new, it can feel harder to combine your lifestyles.
Is there something that applies universally to daters of all ages?
My fundamental philosophy around that is: We’re born knowing how to love, but we’re not born knowing how to date. Dating is a skill and you can learn it at any age . . . But you have to actively choose to learn it.
[For example,] with Nate and also Anise, we talked about this idea of “leading with vulnerability.” They felt like there was [a flaw] about them that made them undateable, but actually that was something that was important to bring up early on, because it really helps people connect to you when you’re vulnerable and authentic — that’s what makes people feel ready to connect with us, not giving off this perception of being perfect . . .
It was really interesting, because I’d mostly worked with Gen Z and Millennial daters, and this was a chance to apply these lessons and research from the last 10 years to daters over 55. I’m very happy to see that a lot of the lessons are universal.
These Later Daters’ kids are very much in the mix as well, offering advice . . .
You’re really meeting people in the context of their families, in their actual home. It just brings an authentic view of what dating is like for everyone, but especially for older daters — where, of course, they’re a package deal with their family. And the role reversal of Suzanne’s daughter saying, “Good luck! Be safe! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” — when else have you seen that? This is what modern dating looks like for older daters. Their kids are involved, and it’s beautiful that we get to show that . . . If your mom was married for 30 years and is now a widow, and you’ve been on a lot of dates and she hasn’t, you are the “expert” in her life.
Do you often find yourself having to dispense a bit of “tough love?”
I’m a fan of tough love. One of the gifts of coaching is saying to people things that their friends won’t say. That’s one of the roles I play with my coaching clients on- and off-camera — really shining light on the blind spots that are holding them back.
Are you able to apply all of this expertise to your own relationships?
Most of my research in coaching is on helping people find a relationship; it’s on the dating aspect of things. If my husband were here, he might say, “She’s a dating expert, but she’s not a marriage expert!” [Laughs] I would probably agree with him. I encounter the same issues as anyone in a long-term relationship.
The Later Daters, streaming on Netflix
MEMORABLE ROLES:
Though raised in Boca Raton, Florida, Harvard grad Logan Ury actually has a close connection to our home and native land, courtesy of her Canadian mother. After leaving the Ivy League, Ury parlayed her expertise in psychology and behavourial science into a thriving career as a dating coach and author of the 2021 self-help book How to Not Die Alone. She’s also the director of relationship science for popular dating app Hinge.
CURRENT GIG:
Ury is now the relationship guru for hit Netflix docuseries The Later Daters, wherein she lends a kind ear and some tough love to singles aged 55 and older who are wading back into the treacherous waters of the dating pool.